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Growing Old Isn't For Sissies
When I was a child, my mother always told me that time would pass faster as I grew older. Of course I didn’t believe her, I mean, it took FOREVER to reach sixteen so I could get my license to drive. Then, the two years to reach eighteen so I could drink, Oy Veh, who knew those years would take eons to pass? And forget turning twenty-one, I would die of sheer boredom before I’d get there!
Now that I am 41-about-to-turn-42-in-five-months, I finally have to admit my mother was right.
Looking back over the years between sixteen and almost forty-two, it seems like they went by in a flash. One moment I was wearing slinky t-shirts with nothing underneath, now I have to shower in a bra or face tripping over my breasts. What gives??
On the morning of my fortieth birthday my breasts hit the floor before my feet did. How does that happen? I didn’t have children, I certainly didn’t breast feed – how did the twins become so long and pendulous? If I were to take up jogging (like THAT would ever happen) I’d have to use industrial strength tie-downs to keep the girls from blackening my eyes or breaking my knees.
Another little gem is the bags under my eyes. When I was younger I did have a slight shade there and I always thought it made me look Mata Hari mysterious. Now I just look like I’ve rolled out of bed with no sleep no matter what time of day it is. When I do actually get dressed up and make an attempt to wear makeup, I use concealer like spackle on a bad wall. It’s bad enough to trip over my breasts let along the bags under my eyes.
And what’s up with THE HAIR? I don’t get it. I turn forty and I can now grow a beard thicker than most men at twenty-two. I especially enjoy it when I find a six inch hair growing off my chin. Yeah, I really love those little gems. The ultimate pleasure is when my eyebrows declare anarchy by marching across my face to create a unified front. That’s when I have to divide and conquer by grabbing the grass trimmer and beat them into submission.
Then there is this sudden desire for GRANNY PANTIES? I used to adore lingerie and yes, I do know Victoria’s Secret and I ain’t telling. I remember going to the store with my mother and Grandmother as they picked up voluminous drawers for both of them to wear. I would turn up my pert little nose and head for the butt floss section, happy in the knowledge that never, ever would I wear bloomers.
Then comes that day you’re in the store and the long, legged drawers catch your attention and you think to yourself, “You know, if I wore these with my dress I wouldn’t have to wear a slip.”
You might as well hang it up at that point, you’ve already lost the war without being aware a battle was being waged.
I have a confession to make. I am 41-about-to-turn-42-in-five-months and yes, I wear the industrial undies. I only buy the kind that are long enough to cover my breasts (which isn’t hard since they’re down around my knees anyway) and my ever-widening backside. I lie to myself and say the butt floss doesn’t cut it anymore as I’d probably have to go to the GYN to have them fished out at this point so it is better that I wear something just a little roomier.
The reality is my panties have enough cloth to make a tent for a large family of refugees.
The best part of all is when you realize your pubic hair is now turning grey…but let’s save that for another day. Right now I need to go find Ms. Clairol, that wench has some serious work to do.
http://www.jcwilder.com
Too funny!!!
The marine goes up to the little old lady and says show me your t**s. The little old lady smiles and pulls up her skirt. LOL
Sad when you see yourself heading there. Gravity is not our friend!!!! Gia
I’m right there with you. I’ve never had perky breasts. Now that I’m older, I remember a funny song my best friend in high school’s mom sang for us once. It was funny then, kinda sad now…
“Do your boobs hang low? Do they wiggle to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?”
LOL!! I think the original song was about HAIR, but you get the idea. :P
Great post! I was cacklin’.
~~Becka
LOL, JC. I guess the only good thing about having little boobs is that they’re still sitting pretty high…the backside on the other hand….
Natasha
I screamed and called my mother when I found my first gray hair.
The other day I picked up a pair of “boy shorts” undies and thought, “You know, if there was a little more fabric here and they were a little higher…” and realized I’d just about talked myself into granny panties.
And I’ve been tripping over my “golden bozos” since I was 27. Holding them in place now takes scaffolding and undergarments designed by structural engineers.
Too funny! Thanks for a great post, J.C.!
Great post, JC! As for grey/gray hair, a friend of mine once told me: “You know you’re getting old when you see your first grey hair down there.”
So, lots up top (small children, doncha know?), but none down there. Yet.
You made me spit my tea all over the computer!! I’m only 36 and I’ve been wearing “Granny pants” for five years now – since I had twins. Really – tis better that all that excess skin is hidden away!!
Great post!! You had me laughing, but the cartoon really did it. I’ll have to tell you a story:
Two years ago, the summer between his Sophomore and Junior year of HS, my son took a Chemistry class at the University. It was a big deal, and by invitation only to kids who had just finished HS Honors Chemistry. During the orientation, the lead professor – a very old guy who’s very much an institution at the U said, and I quote, “Thongs are not allowed in the lab.” It was very quiet for a moment, but he continued talking, seemingly oblivious to the shock he’d caused. I could see many of the students, mostly the girls looking around. Some parents were leaning over and probably explaining to their kid what he actually meant. If I hadn’t been in a lecture hall full of students and parents, I would have laughed out loud. Later, my son told me that his Chemistry teacher – who was one of the assistants for this class, explained the “new meaning” of the word thong to the professor.
I wish I’d been a fly on the wall during THAT conversation.
LOL...Oh JC…have I mentioned lately, I adore you? You know, I do! You always make me laugh!
OK, time to get serious. I’ll be 40 in September. I don’t mind at all. So far, I’ve not encountered what’s been discussed, knick on wood but…what people forget to tell us while we’re young is about the middle years. The years where you’re caring for both children and parents. Now, these years will give you grey hair, but I keep mine blonde. ;)
For the young ladies out there I’ll tell you a secret my mom told me and my sister. I took her advice while my only sister didn’t. She regrets it.
WEAR a bra. Wear the bra whenever you can, even learn to sleep in one. The support will help fight off gravity.
To help the skin around the eyes I recommend using Refresh Plus water eye drops. I have dry eyes and my doc swears they’ve helped my skin, as well. .
Granny panties…oh mercy. LOL...I prefer the hipsters, or boys cut boxer briefs for ladies. Oddly enough, my young adult daughter brought me some home one day as a gift and they’re comfy.
Mel
LOL, J.C.! Love the cartoon, too; hysterical.
As for Granny panties (I have no boobs to speak of – actually I’ve only had one and a half for the past 2 years!), are you talking about the ones you used to only be able to get at Jordan Marsh that were similar to men’s briefs? My dear late Nana swore by those and a corset. But she had BAZOOMS.
I remember wearing itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis, but AC (after children), went to women’s briefs. It’s all about comfort, now, at age 50.
Carla : )
OMG, I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard…
Boobs were never an issue for me… I didn’t grow any until after my second child was born, and then I was like, “What are these things? They’re in my way all the time!” (And I was all of a 34B.)
But JC, I’m the opposite of you, for some strange reason. As I’ve gotten older, my underwear has gotten smaller. I like butt floss underwear. I mean, I’d rather have 1 inch of fabric up my butt than 6, ya know what I’m sayin’? Cellulite be damned.
I’m getting grey eyebrow hair, which wouldn’t bother me except the grey ones have a tendency to shoot off in directions independent of the normal brow hairs. Which leaves me looking vaguely like a Schnauzer.
Thank you EVERYONE, for sharing your stories – it made for quite a laugh this morning.
As I said in the title, growing old isn’t for sissies so only strong women need apply. :)
JC
Absolutely great post. I sent the link to this blog post to a friend and she’s sent it to every woman she knows with a sense of humor. Hmm, new customers for Samhain?
ROFLMAO Okay, this amused me! May I just throw into the conversation maternity panties… They are like granny panties on crack!
This reminds me of the joke where a little old lady decided to commit suicide. She asked her doctor where her heart was, he said below your left breast. She was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.
Great blog, but it might have been funnier if it wasn’t all so familiar. :-))
ROTFL This was priceless J. C. and I feel the years going by in light speed! lol
I won’t tell you about my panties, it’s TMI, but I love Victoria’s Secret store.
My mom told me the exact same thing. It’s amazing the number of things you don’t believe until you experience it for yourself. I’m naturally stubborn, so I have a lot of those “wish I would have listened” tidbits. g
Gull dang it J.C. I about snorted coffee out of my nose reading this one. You are so right and so damned funny!!! And I’m 44. :) Goin on 23, of course, mentally.
Denise A. Agnew
www.deniseagnew.com