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The Shame of it All
“What do you do, dear?”
The lady looked at me with a curious gaze, and some genuine interest. My husband rubbed my knee, our symbol of encouragement. He’s incredibly proud of his author wife. That’s when it happened. My father cleared his throat, my sister looked at the ceiling and the hush at the dinner table went from interested anticipation, to shame in the space of a heartbeat. “She writes torrid novels. The kind you don’t let anyone else know you read.”
The table fell into an uncomfortable silence. In the midst of my aunt and uncle’s fiftieth anniversary party, we stood out. Nearby diners, looked our way, quizzical expressions on their faces.
My face fell. Normally, I’m proud of what I do, but my father’s obvious shame sucks the wind from my sails and leaves me dead in the water, smack in the doldrums. That my husband was attentive and being pretty dag-gone wonderful, or that I am the mother of four amazing children. I was back to being thirteen and caught climbing on our roof with four of the neighborhood’s more colorful characters. My stepmother, God love her, is darn proud. It didn’t matter that I looked good, sort of a Bridget Bardot goes to a garden party.
“Jerry. Stop that.”
My father’s hearing is bad and he refuses to change the battery in his hearing aid. He started to make jokes about me and how hard I was to raise. Especially compared to, THE PERFECT CHILD! My sister. My sister the Ivy League graduate. My sister, the engineer at Ford. My sister, the multi language speaking world traveler. My sister, the skinny one. My sister who never did anything stupid in her life. I, on the other hand, used stupid as my rallying cry and God forbid, I ever forget it. Even for a moment.
The woman at the other end of the table didn’t know what to make of this odd combination of family dynamic. I wanted to hide. Dropping to the floor and doing a Marine style belly-crawl to the door would probably have been considered a tad rude. It also would have messed up a perfectly nice outfit. I excused myself and hit the ladies room, before the tears fell.
I’ve tried to explain the facts about romance writing to my father, but nasty ideas about the genre persist with those of his generation. Okay, the truth is I could be named Poet Laureate and I would still not begin to approach, THE PERFECT CHILD. Which is not to say I resent my sister. Childless, at forty one, she’s beginning to figure out that a fat paycheck is not the key to happiness. Something I put together years ago. See, there’s some wisdom in living your life fast and hard. At least fast and hard compare to my sister. Compared to a Hell’s Angel, I’m- an angel.
I hid out in the Jon until I could face the room with my normal, “Pomeranian on crack” appeal and wiped frustrated tears from my eyes. It does not matter to my family that most women who read romance are educated, funny, employed, and in all ways interesting. It does not matter that this genre is among the fastest growing and has been for years. It does not matter that the caliber of writing is beyond excellent, or that it’s incredibly hard to be published, let alone multi published, as I will be in two short weeks. Nope, they’re shameful in his eyes and that’s, that.
I called daddy, yesterday. I hemmed and hawed and eventually told him to stop putting me down about my career. Thankfully, my stepmother had already lambasted him, but good and he was quiet, if not apologetic. The family dynamic is such that I will never approach the status of, THE PERFECT CHILD, but I may yet carve out my niche as someone to at least be not embarrassed about. If not someone who inspires a rush of full on pride. That’s okay, I have my husband and he’s proud enough for all of them.
No parent should ever express displeasure in a public setting.
I am very sorry that your father does not understand that tenant.
I think that you should be proud of what you are doing. You make people happy.
Thank heavens you finally stood up for yourself. I know family approval means a lot and my mother, and sisters are my biggest fans. (Don’t know what Mom will think about a certain scene in my latest release, but she can skip if she wants. LOL)
Keep that spine straight. Not many can successfully do what we do.
I’m glad your stepmother and husband are supportive of your career. That’s great you called your dad and told him how you felt. I’m proud of you! It sounds like your dad enjoys drama and wanted to stir things up at the table, but so sorry he acted like a jerk.
But obviously, he has some redeeming qualities since you turned out so great. You’re one of the most kindest and generous woman I know.
You know, personally, I believe that no matter what your child is doing if they are successful at it and love it, then you’ve done your job as a parent! Someone should have dumped his ice water on his head! You are accomplished at something that so many others, myself included, desperately yearn for. That’s something to be proud of! I’m so glad you told him off. Sometimes I just don’t think they know that their “jokes” are so dang offensive!
How many people dream of being a published author in this genre? Me, and I am one of thousands. Ok, and how many people dream of being a childless multi-lingual Ford engineer? What, no takers?
It’s an astounding and sad fact that tons of praise and support can be undone by one bit of censure from the wrong person. But to your husband, your step-mother, your children and your fans your work does matter and you are respected.
So on behalf of romance readers everywhere – You go, girl! Whooo!
Great post, Nancy! My mom thinks what I write is mediocre, but not because it’s romance….just because she thinks I can do better. She’s one picky reader.
Jody W.
Oh, I feel ya. Except I wouldn’t put myself through an announcement at a dinner because I choose to keep silent about what I do. Bit by bit more of my family has found out. I’m neither hiding nor advertising it.
Mostly I’m just annoyed rather than hurt that I can’t share everything. Someone will occasionally ask how the writing is going and I say “great.” But I can’t crow about my beautiful newly re-designed web site and tell everyone to go look at it and my gorgeous book covers. I can’t tell (most of) them plot synopses of the books or discuss reviews and new achievements. Because all that stuff would probably lead to that inevitable Catholic discussion about the morality of the explicit sex scenes, and after going a round with one of my sisters, I’m not doing it again.
Yes, it would be lovely to have the whole gang be extremely proud of what I’ve done, but I’m satisfied that my husband and three daughters are behind me.
It’s too bad your father feels that way, and voices his opinion in…um…no uncertain terms. Stick to your guns – you know what you do has value and importance and is meaningful to you (and the many readers who support you)!
Having said that, I will also say that there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing a childfree life, earning multiple degrees, or becoming successful in what is traditionally a male-dominated business world. Those who belittle your sister’s life choices are no better than your father in belittling yours, IMHO.
I do want to point out that a well educated woman who elects to have a child free life is a smart and wonderful thing. I feel for women who are goaded into any lifestyle by someone else’s idea of what makes a woman happy.
In my sisters case, she is a little dissapointed that life did not grant her all that she wished for it to. It’s not a crack about her not following my path. More of an observation, that no one lives a wholly satisfying life, no matter who you are.
Okay, maybe Angelina Jolie.
It has been my experience that people like this are trying to “crack a joke” at an inopportune time, coming across as being more of a jackass than a jokester. I definately would NOT have been amused. I would have said, “I write romance” and proceeded to tell them about the leaps and bounds Samhain has made with Kensington. evil grin
You know just about every woman on the planet has read a romance novel. Unless they’re prudish or old. At least ONE. I thought my mother would be horrified. Lo and behold, she’s one of my biggest cheerleaders and so damn proud, I’ve got to look around to see who this woman is and find out what she did with my mom. LOL
It’s been my sister who has raised more brows than the rest of my family, which kinda shocks me, because she used to be an AVID romance reader in her youth. Perhaps it’s the stigma of her “baby sister” writing about “torrid sex”. LOL HELLO, I HAVE FOUR KIDS, I THINK I KNOW HOW TO DO THE DEED!!
Heheheh… >:D
But anyhow, don’t let someone’s comments get you down. Talk OVER them if you have to. Sit up straight and whip out your business card. Yak about the industry. Talk about people you might have casually conversed with on some random blog somewhere.
“And Nora Roberts actually talked to me!” :P
Don’t let it get you down. Romance is in EVERYTHING. Every song, TV show, movie, book, no matter the genre, there’s always a side “love” plot. So tell your inlaws to SIT DOWN. Some of the best literature on the planet are romances. What would Jane Austen Do?
OMG, I think I just started a new fad. WWJAD? HAHAHAH!!!
~~Becka
I’m glad that your husband and stepmother are supportive, Nancy, but that was a very hard situation for you to have to go through.
My mother doesn’t quite know what to make of what I do either. She’s always been dissapointed in her kids for the most part, so this is no different for her. My sister and brother are supportive, but every now and then they’ll make a crack about me writing smut or something of that nature.
It hurts because we work hard at what we do and they’ll never know what it takes to sit their butts in a chair for hour upon hour to write a complete novel.
I don’t tell many folks what I do because of that attitude. I thank heavens for my hubby who is my number ONE fan. It’s good that you’ve got a supportive hubby too. As long as you’re proud of yourself, the rest of it doesn’t matter.
Insert foot and chew.
I intended to be supportive and ended up sounding snarky instead. I’m sorry =)
I wonder how many potential authors are held back by the prejudice of which you have been a victim. It’s sad that your own father can’t find it in himself to be proud of such a wonderful accomplishment.
I’m very happy though to hear that you have such a supportive spouse!
Hugs,
Robin S.
[[It’s been my sister who has raised more brows than the rest of my family, which kinda shocks me, because she used to be an AVID romance reader in her youth. ]]
Do we have the same sister? LOL
I have a perfect sister too. lol
She is also childless though.