A Real Man

Posted by Ally Blue, 01/24/08 03:00 PM

When you write gay romance, as I do, you get to be very familiar with the phrase “real men”, or its alternate phrase, “men who act like men”. But what, exactly, does that mean? The answer is, there is no answer.

Not one everybody can agree on, anyway. I know plenty of people (women and men) who think a Real Man is defined by his toughness. He doesn’t feel pain, he doesn’t feel fear. Or if he does, he doesn’t let on. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t let his emotions show. He certainly isn’t given to saying the “L” word all the time. Other people define a Real Man by nearly the opposite criteria. To them, a Real Man is open with his thoughts and feelings. He doesn’t try to hide his hurt, his joy, or his passion. He makes sure his loved ones know how he feels about them.

Personally, I get really tense when I hear someone say they want “men who act like men”, because I don’t feel like I understand that phrase. I know men at both ends of the spectrum and every point in between. Do some of them “count” as Real Men while others don’t? I don’t think so. For me, they’re all equally male, all equally real, and all equally human. So it makes me feel stupid when people talk about what makes a man a Real Man, because I don’t get it. And I HATE feeling stupid.

So, in the spirit of trying to understand one another, what’s everyone’s take on this issue? Do you have strong feelings about what a real man ought to be? If so, what do you think a real man is? And is your ideal Real Man different in romance and in real life? Is he different in straight romance versus gay romance?

Please tell us your thoughts and opinions! It’s a rich, rich world of viewpoints out there, let’s share :D

Category: | 01/24/08 03:00 PM
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Comments: [4]

  1. 1 Cassandra Moore

    My opinion: A real man is a man who doesn’t care if other people think he’s a “real man” or not. :)

    Comment by Cassandra Moore · Jan 24, 11:08 PM
  2. 2 Vivien Dean

    I don’t believe that any one definition can be applied unilaterally to the phrase, but I do think that generalizations can be made regarding basic gender behavior. No, it won’t apply to all men, but the converse is true as well. Not every woman is maternal, or nurturing, or open with their feelings, but that doesn’t stop us from automatically slapping a feminine gender role to characters who exhibit those characteristics.

    Do I have strong feelings about what a “real man” is? No, not really. But when I’m reading a story, what I want is for the man’s traits to be true to the history and world that the author creates. For instance, if it makes sense for a man not to be able to separate sex from emotion like most men do, then I’ll buy it as long as the author makes me understand.

    Comment by Vivien Dean · Jan 25, 12:26 PM
  3. 3 Mechele Armstrong

    What Cassandra Moore said. No, really. I had been debating how to put what I wanted to say and that’s it in a nutshell.

    Comment by Mechele Armstrong · Jan 25, 02:17 PM
  4. 4 Ally Blue

    Thanks for the opinions, y’all! Cassandra, Mechele, I totally agree with you. You gotta love a man – or any person, actually – who doesn’t concern himself with what others think of him. That’s very attractive to me, both in fiction and in real life :)

    Vivien, I hear you! I HATE it when people say I’m not a “real woman” because I don’t do what they see as “typical” feminine things. I’d rather watch horror and sci-fi movies than chick flicks, I couldn’t care less what car a man drives, and I do NOT do my nails LOL. Maybe that’s why I don’t really get the whole gender role thing. Because I’ve been a casualty of it so often :-/

    Comment by Ally Blue · Jan 26, 06:02 PM

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