Samhain Publishing Ltd Weblog

Fear of the (un)blank page

I’ve got a problem. Nothing earth-shattering or madly exciting, but one that rears up from time to time and makes my palms run clammy and my throat seize up. Sort of like the heroine in my current WIP who is trying to pluck up enough courage to tell the hero she loves him (except my problem is nothing like as interesting as that).

So, what’s got me all flustered around the edges? Reading in public, that’s what. Even writing those words sends me off the deep end. I can’t remember when the anxiety first surfaced, as is usually the case with many phobia-type things, but every single occasion I’ve ever had to read in public is indelibly carved into my psyche.

Generally, I’m not shy. I don’t shrink in corners at parties or blush when I’m embarrassed. My job in adult education requires me to give presentations, speeches, lectures—none of those things phase me. But shove a book in my hand and tell me to read out loud in front of a dozen people and I freeze. What’s worse is that people tend to pick up on this, they sense it like animals sense prey. Years ago, during a lecture at an art history seminar, the lecturer leaned across two rows of people in the hall, passed a book to me and instructed me to read the first two paragraphs of chapter seven. Me! Two rows back! I stumbled through a couple of sentences until my throat seized up completely, then shoved the book at my brother who, gallantly, took up the slack. There have been other occasions just like that, when I shrink down as the lecturer/presenter looks around for a reading victim. But what do you know? They invariably choose me. They climb over any obstacle in their path and choose me.

I could just say no of course. But that would be chicken. Face your fears, right? Well, they’ve come back and bit me yet again. I’ve just received an invitation to give a talk to a local group about my life as a writer. Fine. Great. No problem. Then they hit me with the bombshell. Would I mind reading a few extracts from my books? I smiled nervously, tried not to pass out, and said I’d love to.

One of my darling friends said she’d come and be the reader, but I know I have to do it myself. Gotta face that fear. However, I do have a cunning plan. The same friend suggested reading some of the naughtier bits from my books. Then, when I stumble, splutter, swallow and choke through the words, they’ll think it’s because I’m madly affected by the (wink) content of what I’ve written.

Hmm…well it’s a plan. I just hope it works.

Happy Easter to one and all.
Tricia

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