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Grrr... You Wanna Piece of Me?
So I got in this huge fight with a male friend on Wednesday night. About what? The character of readers of erotic romance, of all things!
I am of the opinion that erotic romance readers read in the genre for tons of reasons…the foremost being the same as readers of any fiction—to escape for a little while into someone else’s exciting life, to live vicariously through them, to watch them grow and fall in love, and to ultimately live happily ever after with their soul mate. I’m also of the opinion that erotic romance has improved sex lives all over the world, and has probably saved more than one or two marriages.
My friend, apparently, has a very different opinion. He was listening to a radio talk show which stated that a large percentage of married women and men cheat on their spouses. He didn’t remember the exact numbers, but the percentage of women cheaters was slightly higher.
He brings up romantic fiction and theorizes that romance has something to do with this! Immediately, my hackles rise, and I ask him what on earth he thinks he’s talking about. He says, yes, it’s quite clear to him that women who read erotic romance are unhappy with their significant others and are ultimately more likely to cheat (or want to, anyway, and would, given the opportunity). GRRRR!!!
If a woman is happy in her relationship, he says, she’s less likely to read erotic romance. Women in unhappy relationships are more likely to read romance (because it’s an escape…see how my own words come back to bite me in the a**?). Using that logic, a higher percentage of women who read erotic romance have a latent desire to cheat vs. non-romance-readers.
I told him about how erotic romance was all about finding a monogamous mate (or…umm…“mates” if it’s a menage…lol) with whom to live happily ever after. They’re not about cheating. They’re about finding “the one”. He didn’t buy that argument, nor my assertion that erotic romance can actually strengthen a marriage.
So what do you think? Do you think he’s way off base, as I do? Or do you think he has a point? Respond here, and I’ll automatically enter you in a contest to win a download of my most recent Samhain release, 10 Days in Paradise (One man, one woman, lots of sizzling sex, and a monogamous, permanent happily ever after, for what it’s worth. ;-)). I’ll post the random winner in the comments here next Friday.
Well, I don’t read Erotic Romance, because the erotic part is just too jarring for my visual imagination. I do read Romance of other Heat Levels, however. This reminds me of an article I contributed to Romancing the Blog a while back entitled ‘How the Romance Genre Can Save the World.’ I believe well-written Romance helps a woman believe she deserves love and helps her choose a man who is worthy of her. A confident woman makes an excellent wife who, in turn, nurtures her man’s confidence in being a worthy husband.
;)
P.S. Don’t enter me in the contest unless I can give the eBook to a friend please.
I disagree that reading any sort of Romance novel will cause a girl to cheat. Just because a girl reads a romance novel doesn’t mean that she’s unhappy in her relationship. Flip it around: if a guy reads a playboy magazine or wants to watch porn while in a relationship, does that mean that he’s unhappy in his relationship? (Not saying that romance novels are porn, but I believe that it’s almost the same thing translated into guy…because, for the most part, guys don’t read romance novels..)
I read Romance novels because they’re fun and way to escape the everyday lull that a girl has. The last thing someone wants to do after a long day at work is go home to read a serious novel. But I also can see where you’re friend is coming from, but I can’t say I believe that reading a Romance novel would be the sole reason for a woman to cheat on her significant other.
Futhermore, if a woman is happy in her relationship, that doesn’t mean she’ll read less romance. Maybe she’ll read more, because she wants to learn something to suprise and excite her boyfriend/husband. Just a thought… :D
What an archaic notion. Women read romance to escape from reality, to revere romance and live vicariously through another. Romance novels, especially erotic or highly sensual ones, inspire women to try new things in their relationship.
Rather than weakening a relationship or encouraging one to cheat, I think it does the opposite, encourages a woman that a livelong monagamous relationship is a goal to strive for, and the right of every woman.
Angel
PS Dawn, I already have 10 Day in Paradise WhooHoo!
The idea women cheat because they read romances is as silly as thinking that someone who reads horror is going to turn into a werewolf.
Puh leeze.
I don’t think your friend quite gets the concept of cause and effect. If women who are unhappy in their relationships read erotic romance – does he think that in some way stopping them from reading erotic romance will suddenly make them happier in their relationships?
It’s been my experience that happy people are happier in their relationships than unhappy people. If reading erotic romance, or romance in general makes a woman happy, then her mate should encourage that, because a happy mate will be happier with the relationship and thus more likely to stay in it.
Quote “If a woman is happy in her relationship, he says, she’s less likely to read erotic romance. Women in unhappy relationships are more likely to read romance (because it’s an escape…see how my own words come back to bite me in the a**?). Using that logic, a higher percentage of women who read erotic romance have a latent desire to cheat vs. non-romance-readers.”
I don’t know. It sounds an argument a bit along the lines of – a cat has four legs, two ears and a tail. A dog has four legs, two ears and a tail. Therefore a dog is a cat. If you see what I’m getting at.
His argument is only solid if the first statement is true -” if a woman is happy in her relationship, she’s less likely to read erotic romance.” I think you could make a good argument for the converse being true. “If a woman is happy in her relationship she’s more likely to read erotic romance.”
Really if you’re that unhappy in your relationship do you want to read about how Jane has just fallen in love with a Greek billionaire.
I think if someone is inclined to cheat, then they are inclined to cheat whatever – whether or not they read erotic romance.
eyeroll As an educated, intelligent woman I can definitely allay his concerns on this point.
Hey buddy! If you love your spouse, then when you read romance, you’re not thinking of Mr. Hot Character, you’re thinking of Mr. Hot Husband. Yeah, maybe he looks like James Bond, but Mr. Hot Character doesn’t clean baby puke, doesn’t change diapers, doesn’t make us laugh when our hair looks terrible and we’re suffering through the first day of our periods. The guy who does THAT is a keeper.
However, what Mr. Hot Character does do is remind us that women are attractive and sexual creatures, even if we are wearing baby puke, weigh a couple extra pounds, or can’t forget the smell of dirty diapers.
I feel sorry for the guy you’re talking about. Clearly he doesn’t respect himself enough to understand that the loneliest woman is the one who reads erotica romance and doesn’t have anyone to turn to when the book is over and she’s ready to celebrate.
And if he DOES have a woman who enjoys reading erotica, then he should enjoy the ride.
Kimber An, I agree with you 100%…I’ll have to go check out your article. :)
MacKenzie, I tried using the Playboy argument, and it didn’t seem to sway him (he believes men who watch porn are similar to women who read erotic romance). Argh! But your reasonings for reading romance are definitely the same as mine!
Amen, Angel!
LOL, Patricia! I totally agree. :) I tried that on him (using JRR Tolkien as an example—I said when you read LOTR, does it mean you want to be a Hobbit?). Of course, he just kind of brushed that argument off. Pfft!
Jennifer, you’re right. Hmm…cause and effect is an interesting way to look at it… I like it! I think I’ll mention it next time I see him.
Sarah, OMG, your cat/dog theorem makes me roll! I love it! Too true!
Rock on, Kendra. Can I quote you to him?!?
Sorry he’s so adamantly wrong. :)
I don’t feel it in anyway characterizes the woman as cheaters because they read romance or any form of it. Or that the are more likely to do so.
I strongly believe that the idea of the HEA of romance is more liable to promote a solid relationship, strengthen values of what creates and keeps it then to influence a person to stray. (Straying happens on both side of the chrmosome there buddy. Don’t pigeon hole the female half with that argument. You’ll lose.)
I have reading and non-reading friends. It is stupid of me to say or assume that one would be likely to cheat because of their reading material.
Whoever it was with the cat/dog argument really nailed it. :)
Hmm, using your friend’s logic means that men who watch James Bond movies are more likely to become traitors to their countries in an effort to become international “spies.”
Actually his other factoid that more married women cheat than married men is false. However, the number of married women who cheat is growing faster than married men. I would suppose that the number of married men cheating is fairly stable because the opportunities have been there for awhile for married men and married women are now having more access to opportunity.
I wonder what the statistics are for married women who read romance? I bet the numbers are actually lower. Women who read romance believe in monogamy and finding their true love. Women who read romance may be looking for an escape from the over running toilet, the forgotten milk at the store, and the rebelious teen aliens living down the hall, but they are not reading it to escape from the man with whom they share all that reality.
So, until a study is done that includes the following questions, there can be no corelation between reading romance or any other genre and cheating.
Do you read books for pleasure?
Yes ___
No ___
When you have time to read are you more likely to read:
A) Literary Fiction
B) Science Fiction
C) Thrillers/Mystery
D) Horror
E) Romance
F) Self-help
G) All of the Above
H) None of the Above
You may want to remind your friend that jumping to conclusions is not a form of aerobic activity.
Well my mum reads erotic romance among others and she’s been with my dad for 32 years and has five children.
your friend is an idiot.
You beat me to saying just that Ayla (I’m her mum).
In fact I believe that reading erotic romances has strengthened our marriage. It has made it easier for me to know what I do or do not want in the bedroom and I feel lesss inhibited about asking him for it :D
Was he perhaps listening to a conservative program?
I could quote some statistics, but 84% of statistics are made up anyway. ;) Seriously I did look up some stats. The number of men who admit being unfaithly is higher than the percentage of women. But I agree with Maria, that the number of women who have cheated is growing. I suspect they will be dead even in a few years.
We have to remember that there is a difference between erotica and erotic romance, I happen to read both. My husband is glad that I read them. He has enjoyed the fact many times.
I am trying really hard to stay off my soapbox and I will not tell you what I think is the real problem, just that my choice of reading material is certainly not it.
Huh.
So…then I’m guessing that any and all forms of entertainment must be carefully scrutinized. I don’t want to be a bad driver because I saw a car chase once in a movie.
Hmm, I’ve been an avid reader of erotic fiction for 30 years (OMG, am I really THAT old??), and I’ve been happily married for 21 years, and I don’t cheat on my husband. Sometimes I read an erotic romance ‘cause I am in the mood to escape, other times I read an erotic romance to specifically get “in the mood”. In any event, whenever my husband sees one of the books in my hand, he gleefully leaves me alone ‘cause he knows he’s going to benefit from it!
I think my husband loves that I read erotic romance *grin He especially enjoys the research when I’m writing it. *wider grin
We’ve been together for almost two decades and the idea of being with someone else makes me… well, it doesn’t make me anything because I’ve never had the idea.
Give your friend an erotic romance book, tell him to read it and then ask him if he’s thinking of leaving his wife. I’m pretty certain he will be to exhausted to answer.
My marriage is very strong and I’ve read romance since I was a tween. My husband got a little ‘thingy’ about me reading them briefly, simply because I think he felt a little… emmasculated. As if he felt he wasn’t good enough. I told him I read it to follow the heroine and cheer and laugh and cry with her. To watch love triumph all. And yes, Erotic romance does make me a little more frisky for the man, so he should be THANKING erotic authors LOL.
THEN, running on the theory your friend used. Men LOOK at porn. ALL men do. Then, does that mean that they are unhappy in their marriage and more likely to cheat. No. In the end, a person who cheats makes the decision not because of an image or a book.
Yeah, sorry, but your friend is a babbling idiot.
Personally, I don’t read erotic—but I do read romances. Reading them does not give me any thoughts on cheating. It’s my opinion that you either have those thoughts or you don’t. Either you cheat or you don’t. It’s up to you (not you you, but you know, you) whether or not you act on those feelings/thoughts, if you have them. I think reading a book on anything—even cheating—isn’t going to make you any more inclined to do it or not do it.
It’s your personality that determines that, not what you read. If your friend wants to think in such a backwards manner, maybe you should suggest he read a dictionary—it might make him smarter. :D
My logic is generally very flawed, I realize this, but either way I’m on your side.
I think my husband loves that I read erotic romance *grin He especially enjoys the research when I’m writing it. *wider grin
We’ve been together for almost two decades and the idea of being with someone else makes me… well, it doesn’t make me anything because I’ve never had the idea.
Give your friend an erotic romance book, tell him to read it and then ask him if he’s thinking of leaving his wife. I’m pretty certain he will be to exhausted to answer.
Oh, pul-eeeze
Like every testicle owner who watched Indiana Jones really was going to go searching for the Holy Grail.
Fantasy football
Fantasy NASCAR
Fantasy basketball
Fantasy role-playing games
See a pattern here? I bet very few of our hubbies are actual sports heroes. But do you see us complaining because they sit around in their underwear being armchair quarterbacks? Men.
yah… cuz that makes sense.
I know a lot of men who dislike women reading romance, particularly erotica. I think they dislike being compared to those men.
Know what? I dislike being compared to the women in porn videos. But I would never blame infidelity on porn, romances, or anything other than a weak relationship.
Shrug… ???
Wow. Ask your friend why the men who cheat are cheating. What are they reading? I figure if either partner is cheating, there are a number of much deeper issues coming into play.
I wish men would see that if the spouse is unhappy it’s something they’re not dealing with. Socks on the floor, forgetting to take out the trash, not helping with the kids…. it’s all about respect and if a woman doesn’t feel respected, she’s going to be too pissed care how good or bad a man is in the bedroom.
Whether erotica or inspirational a book is about the journey to the HEA. It’s a way of reaching inside ourselves, when we read, to gain the hope back for our own lives that it’s only temporary the struggles we’re going through. It’s a way to relax and rejuvenate so when we’re done with the book, our own world looks brighter.
Wow, everyone! I wish I could consolidate all your brains when I next talk to him about this. :)
Diana, I agree with you 100%. I think romance, even erotic romance, is good for relationships.
Maria, I agree that many women read romance to escape from the drudgeries of day-to-day existence, and I think that holds true for any form of fiction…so I can’t imagine why he’d use that in his argument (eyeroll!). And I love your survey idea. I love those things! If I had the time, I’d do it myself!
Ayla and Ilona, lol. Proof in the pudding, eh? I tend to agree…;-)
Lia, I agree that the stats seem sketchy. And I’m really curious to know what you think the real problem is!
LOL, Gwen. Seriously… :-P
Kathy, See, that’s how I feel about erotic romance! Husbands benefit! LOL.
Lexxie, I actually did give him an erotic romance recently. I’m trying to coax him into reading it. I’ll get back to you on whether he finds it exhausting!! Tee hee!
Jodie, I think the emasculation issue really nails it. How do real men feel when stacked up against a romance hero? Probably about how I feel about my body when compared to a Sports Illustrated model…sigh…
Lanie, You’re the best, thanks for being on my side! And I like your logic…I agree with you completely!
Inez, I think you summed it up perfectly: “Men.” LOL!
Chrissy, You’re right. Unfortunately I tried that argument on him and he said he feels the same way about men who watch porn (i.e. they fantasize about cheating on their partners). Sigh.
Devilish, I totally agree. Cheating is a complicated thing and surely has little to do with what fiction genre the cheater chooses to read!
Maria, What a way to sum it up. You’re right. Reading romance really does improve my outlook on the world at large.
Thanks so much, everyone! You definitely provided me with comeback fodder! I really appreciate your input. :)
Oh, oh, oh…!!!!
Let’s use some logic here. (Gotta love logic, right?) He says If a woman is happy in her relationship she’s less likely to read erotic romance. Women in unhappy relationships are more likely to read romance.
Sooo…. why do guys look at porn? If we switched all the ‘women’ to men in the above and ‘erotic romance’ to porn would he still agree with the statement?
Probably.
And that’s where he’s missing the big picture. Porn and erotic romance are not equal parts of an equation.
Porn is about sexual stimulation. Period. After partaking I doubt that many men are thinking “Wow, I never realized that my wife really loves me because she listens to me squawk about my bad day at work.”
Romance and erotica is way more about the relationships and the story than the sex. Can I quote the Samhain motto? “It’s all about the story.” Sex is a part of it but since women use their brains during sex :) at the end of a romance I think a woman is more likely to think “Wow, they got through some tough things in that story. Hubby and I are fightin’ about some pretty little stuff right now…” or “They seemed to like trying XYZ in the bedroom. Maybe my sweetie would like that too…”
Remind him that men and women’s brains are wired veerrrrrry differently.
ROFLMAO!!!!
I have to ask, how old is your friend? Really, he honestly believes the BS that just flowed out his mouth?
You gotta love men, they come up with the most …interesting conclusions. So I guess this means that all the men who play shoot ‘em up games are more likely to get a gun and go…. shoot ‘em up?
I could go on all day with his logic but I won’t. The man’s an idiot, well, at least his view on this is idiotic.
I read and write erotic romance of all heat levels and I can tell you not once have any of them made me think about cheatin’ on my man. We’ve been married 20 years, have four kids and lived on a shoe string budget but my choice of reading isn’t because I’m unhappy. It’s because I want 30 mins of escape, 30 mins of happily ever after true love conquers all.
I don’t think we can accept his view as the general view of men though. My hubby loves that I read erotic romance, he says it helps with this statement, “Women need to be in the mood, men just need to be in the room.” Erotic romance gets me in the mood, he knows it, I know it.
Dawn I’m not sure it’s worth arguing with him over this. He obviously wouldn’t listen to any of your valid arguements before. His opinion isn’t going to stop me from reading and I doubt that it will anyone else.
Viv, I love your statement about men and women being wired differently. SOOOO true!
And Rhian….yeah…I haven’t brought it up with him again. Not yet, anyway. For now, it’s just too exhausting, and I’m not sure I’d ever change his mind anyway!
Okay, my son picked the winner of 10 Days in Paradise, and it’s commenter #15, Kathy! Congrats, Kathy.
Thanks again, everyone, for commenting. I loved all your responses!!!