Samhain Publishing Ltd. Weblog

A Message From Outer Space

Greetings, Earthlings. Nisom here, of the planet Odilia. I am, I must humbly admit, a genius, possibly as great a genius as B’Aitch the Brainy, the inventor of the Zappenplug. And the proof of it is that I am going to be rich! Rich! Rich!

To fully appreciate the brilliance of my scheme, you must understand something about Odilians. We are asexual, you see, as all the best beings are. We had never heard of such a thing as “sexual intercourse” until our space explorers discovered artifacts of Earth culture: viewing discs which document the variety of pleasures that Earthlings experience whilst participating in reproductive acts.

These factual artifacts, which apparently bear the scientific name of “pornography”, have become the most popular form of entertainment on my planet. Even more popular than Ixghrshpt’s Super Tentacle-O-Rama, which is saying something.

I was re-viewing Three Men and a Barbie for the 3,947th time when I was struck by my idea: to acquire four Earthlings, two of the male and two of the female gender, and bring them on board our Odilian space ship. Once they were captured, my colleague Andyr would administer a dosage of a stimulant which would send them into a sexual frenzy. We would then broadcast the resulting intercourse planetwide, while we raked in Odilian credits beyond our wildest dreams.

Earthlings are completely predictable, fully at the mercy of their libidinous urges, incapable of higher intellectual functions, and unable to think of anything except sex. My colleague Lubda, the so-called “human expert”, dares to disagree, and posits that humans may experience emotions, such as regret, or fright, or love.

But in my opinion, Lubda is a fantasist, grown from an ancestor who obviously experimented with too much spontaneous mutation.

My idea is, quite frankly, perfect. I ask you: how could it possibly go wrong?

(Wanna find out? Read Close Encounters, by B. H. Dark, out as an e-book today! Check out an excerpt here or here, and visit the blue tube at http://bhdark.blogspot.com)