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Rosa just stared at her daughter, shaking her head. “I can’t believe Creepy Clifton couldn’t make you come, not once in ten years. Why, my Bart is so good, all he—”

“Mom.” A daughter shouldn’t know all the details of her mother’s sex life. That was way too scary. “Besides, according to Clifton, it was my fault. I think maybe he’s right. I’m frigid.”

“Again, bullshit. There’s no such thing as a frigid woman. Just bad lovers. Men, that is. I suppose Clifton was all wham-bang-thank-you-ma’am.” She looked down and ran a red-painted nail across the line Madison had crossed out. “And what’s wrong with self-gratification if the man of the hour is incapable of giving you satisfaction? Go buy yourself a dildo. Didn’t you ever…you know, do it to—?”

“Enough, already.” Now Madison really did want to climb under the breakfast bar in embarrassment. “Okay, so my growth is a bit stunted in the sexual field. You’re right, I do need to get laid, particularly if I want to complete my makeover plan and be pregnant by the time I’m thirty, but—”

“I’m glad you agree, baby girl, because then you won’t be angry with me.” She smirked at her daughter.

“Mother, what have you done?” A cold shiver trickled down Madison’s spine. Her mother was capable of anything.

Rosa opened her handbag, pulled out a small mirror and poked at her hairspray-stiffened locks. Her voice was nonchalant as she said, “I’ve hired you a stud to practice on.”

“You’ve what?” In danger of falling to the floor in shock, Madison grabbed at the bench.

“I saw an advert in the local paper. Stud Finders Incorporated. I rang and asked them to find you a stud. The bill will come to me so you don’t have to worry about paying for it. My treat. All you have to do is enjoy.”

“You didn’t!”

“Oh, yes, I did, and don’t take that tone with me, baby girl. It’s time I intervened. I don’t want to see you spend as many years on your own as I did. You should get busy and make some grandchildren for me.”

“I plan on doing that,” Madison spluttered, “but I just need a bit of help to get started.”

“That’s what I’m giving you, so I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Anyway, it’s too late to cancel. The answering service said someone will be in contact with you this afternoon.”

She slid to her feet and slung her handbag over her shoulder. As she passed Madison, she reached up and patted her gently on the cheek. “Sex is fun, sweetie, if you learn to relax and enjoy it. With a hired stud, it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. You’ll never see him again when all this is over. In the meantime, use him, get some of that whoopty-do going. After all, that’s what he’s being paid for.”

Mouth open, Madison watched as her mother disappeared out of the front door of the house.

“Oh my God, my mother bought me a sex toy?”